Triskaidekaphobia– the fear of the number 13

For me 2013 seems to be about facing some of my fears. I faced my fear of judgment, my fear of failure,

my fear of heights, my fear of exposure, my fear of rejection, and I feel I’m on the eve of facing yet

another fear. It’s only September, there may be more.

I feel it’s rather important in how I faced these fears. Some were planned, others were thrust upon me,

and that difference helped to define the manner in which I dealt with each fear. The fears that surprised

me left me with a second of paralysis, but I was able to overcome that and fly in the face of the fear.

The planned ones allowed me time to prepare for the moment, but even then, there was a second of

hesitation. I think that the plans to face these fears have helped me in my ability to react well to the

unplanned ones.

There was always a risk involved. If you’re not taking a risk, you’re not living, you’re merely existing. I’m

not here to just exist, I was given a chance to make this life my own, and I’ll take the risks to make it so.

I’m not admitting to being reckless either. Yes, I jumped off a building, but I was wearing a harness!

This new fear could be a big one, or I may not have to deal with it at all. Either way, now that I am sure

of its existence, I’m taking the necessary steps to be ready for the moment of confrontation. No turning

to run, no hiding. When the time comes I will take that bull by the horns and wrangle him into the

ground with the same vigor I have used up until this point. I am positive that I will come out successful

because I have already proven to myself that I can.

Once I have defeated this fear, I will tackle the next one, and the one after that until I reach a

momentum that no fear will dare to challenge. I will no longer run. I will not be controlled by my fears

anymore. I will become the master of my own fears.

But I’ll still make someone else kill that spider.

Amazing

She always wanted to be amazing, but she didn’t know how.  She’d look to the stars and wonder how they got there.  What was their secret?  How did they get so lucky?  What was the formula she needed to follow?

She always wanted to be amazing, but she knew her flaws, her flops, her failures.  She didn’t think amazing was possible if she was not perfect.  She kept working on herself to overcome these things, but there was always a goal to reach, and amazing was beyond that.

She always wanted to be amazing, because she always saw herself as plain.

She wanted to rise up from within the crowd and be noticed.  To be awed and loved for whom she was and what she brought into the world around her.

She wanted to amaze herself.  To surprise herself with what she can do. To be that person who can do anything.  To be that star she’d always looked to.

She buried herself in everything she did.  Her work, her art, her friends.  She lived and loved like there was no tomorrow, and made the most of her today.  She had a passion for everything around her.

Everything except for her plain self.

People had told her she was amazing, but she didn’t believe it.  She had reasons why their words were not accurate.  Biased opinions and lip service, that’s all she’d hear when it was said.

She still fights to be amazing.  To reach that goal that would make her feel special.   To live a life as someone more than anyone.

But look at her, as she creates.  Look at her eyes as she clears another obstacle.  Look at her smile as she loves those she loves.  Look at her determination as she takes on another challenge.

A challenge that will bring her to amazing.  That will put her closer to the stars.

Do all stars have to be in the sky?  Can they shine so bright they become blind?  Blind to the truth of what they are.  While inside they see their darkness, their faults, themselves as plain as they have always been, because that is their normal.  Their everyday.

Do the stars even know what they are?

She always wanted to be amazing.  She had no idea that she already was.

Laundromat

The constant echoing hum bouncing off the bare walls and tiled floor leaves a ringing in my ears.

One that I’ve heard too many times before, and it’s kinda’ sad that I’m back here, pumping quarter after quarter into these machines. Breathing in the scent released by drier sheets and soaps.

The walls shake as the cold, heartless doors squeak and slam and latch into place, preventing those without the key from entering for such a simple reason as getting in out of the rain. It pounds endlessly on the windowpane. Giving no hint of letting go of the misery had by those who once ran in the grass barefoot, and touched and raced each other with glee. The air is as dry as my eyes, as I cried my last tear three days ago and couldn’t bring myself to produce any more.

I needed him to need me, and when I saw that it was not the truth, I knew I had to leave. I just didn’t want to.

Until it was too late.

He knew he had something with which to take full advantage; and he took it all. Every penny, every moment, every apology he could get his hands on. They were his before they were ever mine to give. He told me I was nothing without him, and I was starting to agree.

I finally took it upon myself to leave; and although it has been grievous, I see the future on a lighted path. My dreams postponed once more, but oh so more attainable this time.

I’m back on track to where I want to be, only a few years behind.

And I listen to the never-ending echoing hum, believing time has passed, but it hasn’t. Feeling like I’m right back where I started. Pumping quarter after quarter into these machines…

And knowing I’m better off this way.